Tuesday, October 29, 2019

The most toxic dating story of my life and if anything I hope it helps you in some way

They say a picture is worth a thousand words right? Over the years I have learned that to be true. When I look back at this photo from last fall it brings back very distinctive memories for me. The first was memory was who took the picture and how they affected my life. My boyfriend at the time was the one who took this photo. Up until now only 3 people know this story. For those of you that truly know me, you know I love to take care of people and make others happy, normally at my own expense. I have been called captain save a hoe more often than I’d like to admit. I had a bad habit of occasionally dating people who I thought I could help emotionally. It made me feel good to see them happy. I saw the person they were deep down but the pain they carried was much more than they could deal with. I have dated two people with these very similar characteristics. These types of people seek others with huge hearts so they can take advantage of them. Most would call them narcissists and manipulators, I have learned that they are usually addicts.

When you first start dating them you have no idea the deep issues that they are carrying with them. They make you feel so special, and so happy and loved. But once they hook you, it becomes their mission to sink you. Sink you in a way that you could never imagine. Looking back if I tried to sum up all the toxic traits I dealt with I don’t know how I made it through. I dealt with him hiding how much Adderall was being taken, the vodka in the Vitamin Water bottle, verbal abuse, lies, “friends” he had messaging him from his three phones. The weekends were the worst. I wondered what fight he was going to start on a Friday if I wanted to sleep at home, he always wanted me to stay at his house and it was an issue if I wanted to go home. If I went home he would block me all weekend, claim he was depressed and slept, but later found out he was partying with drugs and girls. You might be asking yourself, why the hell did she deal with all of this?! Well I felt bad, but the truth is I truly didn’t know what was going on behind my back until the day that I will never forget.

I got a phone call on a Monday morning at 5 am after not hearing from him all weekend, at this point I was already done with the relationship and the truck I had rented him under my name I tried having towed and picked up but he talked his way out of that with the tow company, because well, addicts have such a way with words. Anyway, he called me to tell me he thought he was overdosing, he could barely speak and said he was scared and didn’t want to die. I rushed over his apartment, had to climb through a window and found him in the bed with his eye rolled to the back of his head. I had to stick my fingers down his throat and catch his puke with a towel. I then put him in a cold shower and made him drink tons of water. Once I knew he was okay and he fell asleep I sat on the edge of the bed and cried. Cried because I didn’t want to be there, cried because I knew I didn’t deserve this, but most of all cried because I couldn’t help him and at that point didn’t want to anymore. It was at that moment my entire world almost ended. His phone began to ding over and over again. I read one text message that said, “why are you ignoring me, I thought you really cared about me.” 

I figured that weekend he was cheating which is why I was over the relationship but when I saw this I knew it wasn’t a onetime thing. I threw his phone at his leg on the bed and yelled I’m leaving, you’ve been cheating on me for who knows how long. He immediately jumped up out of bed and grabbed me by my neck. He then slammed me against the wall, took me and shoved me to the floor, picked me back up and through me against the wall again. The next thing I remember his knee was in my neck and he was slapping me across the face. His hands went around my neck and that’s when I knew I had to stay calm or I was going to hyperventilate and pass out. He kept repeating, “You have always had a problem going through guys phones don’t you,” like it was MY FAULT I caught him cheating, I just kept agreeing with what he was saying so that he didn’t kill me. I finally was able to get away from him and then he took one of my dogs threw her in the bathroom and took the other one by the neck against the wall. He told me if I didn’t come back with $7,000 (because he was getting evicted, was blaming me, and needed money to move) he was going to kill my dogs. Also if I called any friends or the cops he would kill them. I jumped over the railing and begged for him to give me my dogs and I was going to come back with the money and I meant it. I just wanted my babies. He finally gave them to me and I ran to my car. I was trying to catch my breath before I pulled out and he was at my window. He got in my car and told me he was going to go to the bank with me. He got in and I drove straight to my apartment building. I knew it was safe there because the nosey yentas for sure would call 911 if they heard anything. He questioned why we were driving there and I said I wanted to drop the dogs off.

Once we got to my apartment he poured a glass of vodka and immediately his demeanor changed. It was like the alcohol completely calmed him down. I’m not sure if it had hit him what he’d done or if he thought I was going to go to the cops but he broke down and said that he couldn’t live like this anymore and that he was ready to go to rehab. He couldn’t deal with the pain and the mood swings for another minute. I began calling every rehab facility to help him. I finally find a place for him to go to detox and I paid $2,500 for them to pick him up at his apartment and take him.

During detox his mom and I packed up his entire apartment and put it into her garage, mind you I could barely move my sore body from being thrown around and I couldn’t swallow for an entire week from the choking. After detox they gave him a scholarship for rehab. I was constantly bringing him clean clothes, paying for his medication and cigarettes. He stayed for two and a half weeks and then walked out. After two and a half weeks I got a phone call that he had been acting really weird and escaped. They told me to stay in my apartment and lock the doors, and if he comes near me to call the cops. He called me from a gas station and pleaded with me to pick him up, I told him I couldn’t because I was afraid of him and I was afraid of what he would do to me. He assured me he was okay and just couldn’t be there anymore. He asked me to take him straight to an AA meeting.

For the following two weeks after he left rehab he was perfect. He was happy, he was energetic, he was so sweet, he was attending two AA meetings a day, and he made sober friends. I went to AA meetings with him, I went to therapy, I went to doctors appointments, I was there for him. It wasn’t until day 32 and having his cell phone back he started a fight with me, packed up his stuff and left. I knew he was going to go drink and this time I wasn’t going to save him. The photos you will see below are of him sober.

I had dated an addict before but it was never this bad and the drinking wasn’t as consistent so I guess I didn’t learn any valuable lessons from that relationship but I learned so much from dealing with this situation. Don’t get me wrong I have dated some decent guys, some just plain jerks, and A LOT of egotistical assholes. I am attracted to dominant, successful men and unfortunately these characteristics are very prominent. I have walked away from a guy texting me something inappropriate, I have walked away from men not responding in a timely manner, I have walked away from someone who didn’t make me feel special, so why was I dealing with this? I was trying to make someone else happy instead of myself. All in all I have learned what to look for and what not to look for in men. I learned you cannot save anyone. I learned you cannot change anyone. I learned you cannot teach someone how to be loved or how to love. But most of all I learned you cannot make someone be a good person. You cannot expect someone to treat you the way you treat others.

If there is anything you take away from reading this I hope it is that if you are in a toxic situation there is nothing you can do to fix it, there is nothing you can do to fix that person or help them. Walk away. Please, walk away. Save yourself the heartache, the tears, the stress, the money, everything. If you feel like something isn't right, if you feel like they are lying, if you feel like you can't trust them, leave! Your toxic situation doesn’t have to be as bad as mine, or it could be worse. Toxic is anything less than a man being a man. If he doesn’t put you on a pedestal, if he doesn’t treat you like a Queen, if he doesn’t put you before himself and most of all if he doesn’t respect you, walk away! I promise you will find your prince charming. I can’t sit here and tell you I had a happy ending and I have my knight in shining armor. I have major trust issues and my anxiety has been at all all time high. I can’t tell you prince charming has come and swept me off my feet or that I had the most beautiful wedding and now we are all cuddled up by the fireplace with our sweet baby. However, I can promise you that I know it’s coming. How do I know? Because I will never settle with less than I deserve and neither should you.  

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